No!! I'm not going crazy!!!
It's fun to blame everything on an imagined wrongdoer. Then no one is guilty!!
Wow... maybe I am...
Anyway, an update on the situations I am facing:
Yesterday, on my way to The Edge, my mom finally dropped the rest of the bomb. She told me that she had signed the divorce papers that morning, around 10. I was just like-
"Yeah, okaayyy... It's not a big deal. I knew it was coming, I'm fine. It will be a lot better this way... life will be easier."
So I was fine.
Until I got into church. When Stan (youth minister) was talking to us, he kept telling us that he knew we all faced battles. From trying to fit in at school (which I have no problem with- as in I don't care) to going home to a war zone. He talked on and then gave us time to pray at the end, and we could leave whenever we wanted to. Well, I sat there and prayed about the situation with Kelsey and my parents. Almost everyone around me left, but I sat there with the lights dimmed in the huge middle school worship room holding my head in my hands.
And then it all hit me.
Everything that I am going to lose. Everything that is going to change. Everything that I'm going to have to go through. Everything.
And Lester, who had been sitting a few rows away (praying about his grandfather who died last week) came over and sat next to me. He put his arm around me and asked me if I was ok.
"Yeah" I choked out. Then he left.
Then I realized that no, I was most definitely NOT ok. I was in a very hard place to be.
And then i started to cry.
And I didn't pull myself together for like 10 minutes. I was in a very hard place to be.
Now, it's not like there were all of theses people around. There were maybe 8 or 9 people spread out in the room. And as I sat there, I felt another person come up to me and put their arm around me.
A voice told me "Hey- whatever you're going through, He's here for you."
I looked up and saw Sarah's face, then put my face back in my hands. Then I felt another person- Emily- come up and hug me. And Emily said "Ohh, Savannah. It's ok."
They eventually they left. I sat there for a while longer, then went out. I cut through the old gym in the family life center and then walked around randomly in a daze. As i walked down the hallway, I saw the stairway that led to the old children's wing where I used to go to Sunday School. I went up the stairs and ended up sitting against a wall outside a few classrooms.
Oh, I was done crying by then. So I sat there and then called Kelsey. She had texted me that she wanted me to call her later because we needed to talk about some things...
So I called her.
And I tried to talk some sense into her, but of course, she went into the mode she does whenever I try to talk to her about this. It's even worse over the phone. She gets mad at me and starts raising her voice to unnecessary levels. And I can handle that. I just talked to her in the same quiet, calm voice. But when she started trying to talk bad about Allie, I was like "Whoa there. Ok, that's enough."
I kept trying to tell her that she won't get anything sorted out unless she talked to Allie herself. And this should be easy, right? No. Kelsey refuses to talk to her. She said she could not and would not. And once she said that, I was like 'ok'. It was obvious that once we hit that roadblock, It was pointless to even talk to her about it.
So still being vulnerable after my emotional breakdown 15 minutes earlier, tears filled my eyes yet again. As my voice cracked I said "I have to go. Bye." And I didn't have another complete breakdown. Just a 15 second one.
So THEN I got another call 5 minutes later. And who was it? My fairy godmother. She was intervening, once again. The one person that Kelsey turns to whenever she does this. She told me that Kelsey said she was really, really sorry (why she didn't say that to me directly, I'll never know) and that she wanted this to be over.
Yeah, well I talked to her again today. I told her "We won't get anything solved unless we all get together and talk. We need to sort this out."
And her response was "I'm not talking to Allie."
See, the thing is, if she really wanted to get everything fixed and worked out, she would swallow her pride or whatever, and do what needs to be done. And she knows what that is.
All I can say is WOW.