Saturday, May 30, 2009

Nightmare

I had a very horrendous terrifying scarring dream last night. It was about my older brother- Landon. I think that the fact that he can drive now finally weighed in on my conscious...

So we were at Walmart and we bought a new car. (Haha- I know..)My mom had something screwed up with her insurance so she had to forbid Landon from ever driving her car. So Landon and I hopped in the brand new sports car and started home. We got on the interstate and I was (surprisingly) sitting in the back seat... (then my memory went foggy and my dream jumped to the setting of my church)
Every one was crying. Me especially. The sanctuary was bigger than it really is and it was filled with people.

My brother was dead.

And I survived the crash that killed him.

If you have an older brother (or sister I guess) then you will know exactly how I was feeling in my dream. If you are the older child, you probably won't be able to quite grasp the feeling.

Devastation. Like you've lost absolutely everything and you'll NEVER be happy again.

It was the WORST feeling I have ever experienced. It was the farthest my emotions have ever been stretched.

So (back to the dream)

Everyone was giving testimonies about their times with my brother and what a great guy he was. But strangely, it wasn't a funeral. Then it was my turn. I bawled through my whole dream and it worsened even more as I began to talk.

I talked about how I felt it was so very much MY fault and I should have died with him. It was awful that I had to be the one to live without him. I remember this direct quote that I also threw out there:
"He was such a great driver. I though that he would be one of the teens above the statistics that say so many young drivers die. He had his whole life ahead of him. My brother was going to do great things. It was NOT fair that he did not get to pursue his dreams or live a lot longer. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!"
And then I ran out into the lobby area and curled up on a couch in a fetal position, crying even harder. Then I turned my head up to heaven and started to wonder 'why?' and 'what is he thinking about all of this, looking down on us?' and 'how could he leave me?'...
Then suddenly I heard the All- American Rejects start singing their song in my CHURCH's sanctuary- which was ironically 'Gives You Hell'.

Why this random of a song?? Well I keep my radio on all night, so it was just me hearing the song off the radio while I was asleep. Crazy right? I know, happens all the time... so once I heard the song, I concluded that I was about to wake up.

When I DID wake up, there were tears gushing from my eyes and I was breathing irregularly (you know- the way you breathe when your crying. it's almost like a shudder). And I could feel tear stains which meant that I had been crying a while. So I was actually crying in my SLEEP. How weird is that?? Anyway, I was so upset but SOOO relieved once I realized that it was JUST A DREAM. And yet I was still crying.

It was awful. And it makes you think and wonder. IT WAS AWFUL.



I could never imagine losing either one of them. I love you guys! So much

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