(Three podiums are onstage with three contestants standing behind them. The host, Ted, enters. Ted, smiling, waves his hands to signal the audience to stop applauding and take their seats.)
Ted: Hello, and welcome back to Mash Up, where scholarly knowledge meets rediculously random. I'm you're host, Ted Thompson. Last night where we left off, our contestants were two questions away from-
(Pat jumps out from behind her podium and cuts in.)
Pat: TOTAL ANNIHALATION!!!
Ted: Hey! Get back there Pat!! We talked about this... (Pat runs back to her podium. Ted recollects himself.) We are getting close to finding out who will be our champion. This... is... Mash Up.
(Ted walks to his podium and gestures toward the contestants.)
Ted: Once again, here are our contestants. First up, we have Randy Butler from Rockwood, Tennessee. Tell us about yourself Randy...
(Randy smiles and nods. He is missing a front tooth and looks like he just rolled out of the woods.)
Randy: Well, I grew up in Tuba City, Arkansas where my daddy worked at a trumpet factory. It was very controversial. When I was 3 a rattlesnake done comed up behind me and I fought 'em off with my bare hands. I had a dog named Pumpernickle but her done got-
Jerry: Wow, great story. Have you done anything of note recently?
Randy: (Shrugs, uninterested and talks flippantly) Oh yeah, I just got out of Harvard a few months ago. I got me good and educated there. Top of my class. Then I done gone and wrote a book that's on its way to them fancy bookstores in a few weeks. Supposed to be on the best seller list and the-
Ted: Great. Now our next contestant here is Kelly Kardin... Kelly? Kelly...?
(Kelly is staring off into space. She suddenly hears Ted's voice.)
Kelly: Ohh, hey everybody! It's so great to be here. First of all, I would like to thank my fans for this award. Without you-
Ted: Um...You're back on Mash Up... The game show...?
Kelly: Ohhh yeahh... what...?
(Kelly pulls out her phone and starts texting. Ted shrugs and moves on.)
Ted: And here is Pat Sullivan. Pat is a-
Pat: ...7 year reigning champion of the Rotelle County Annual Corn Chow Down. I'd like to see YOU go through 17 corn cobs in one minute. And you know what I won for it? Nothing! That's what happen when you listen to 'the man'. Do you have any idea how much corn that is??
(Ted shakes his head and turns back to the audience.)
Ted: And with that, we'll begin! (He pulls out his note card.) Ok contestants, here is the first question of the night: What common kitchen appliance is illegal in Cuba?
(Pat buzzes in.)
Pat: A microwave!
Ted: I'm sorry, that is incorrect.
Pat: Well then, they should make it illegal. Do you even know how many microwaves explode each year?!?
Ted: No, how many?
Pat: I have no idea.
(Kelly buzzes in.)
Kelly: I'm sorry Howie. This is a tempting offer- but it's not enough. A million dollars is in that case next to me, I'm sure of it. I'm going to have to go with my gut and say NO DEAL! (She slams her hand down on the podium and then throws her arms up in the air, welcoming nonexistant cheers.)
Ted: Wrong show, Kelly... And I'm sorry but that is also incorrect.
Kelly: Can I talk to the banker?
(Randy buzzes in.)
Randy: One of them toaster contraptions! I learned that in one of my fancy civics classes up at Harvard.
Ted: Yes, that is correct! Toasters are illegal in Cuba. Now there is a tie between Randy and Pat. And Kelly... well, let's just say that she has a negative number of points....
Kelly: No deal!!
Pat: Who even let that moron in here?
Ted: Er... anyway, it's time for the deciding question. Whoever correctly answers this will win the competition and our grand prize. Pat and Randy, are you ready?
Pat: I WAS BORN READY!!!!
Randy: Darn flabbit' you bet!
Ted: What do the M's stand for in M&M's?
(Pat buzzes in.)
Pat: More and more?
Ted: I'm sorry, no.
(Kelly buzzes in.)
Kelly: Bob, I'd like to place a bid.
Ted: (Sighs.) No, Kelly, that's The Price is Right. And my name is Ted.
(Randy buzzes in.)
Randy: Them two M's stand for Mars and Murrie! Learned that useless piece of information in my-
Ted: We have a winner!! Congratulations Randy! You win the grand prize, which is.... (The curtain slowly opens.) A new Toyota Prius!!
(Everyone strains to look and sees no car. They start to figure out that something is wrong.)
Randy: Hot diggity dog!! Where have you done and hid my brand new automobile??
Ted: (Has a flabberghasted look on his face.) It's gone.
Randy: Gone?!? (He pulls off his hat and scratches his head.) Well if it's not here, where is it then?
Pat: Someone must have stolen it!
Ted: Now, now, let's not jump to conclusions...
Randy: Can't you see me? I ain't jumpin' nowhere! I have me a new car and it ain't here! Haven't you got a CLUE where it is??
(Kelly pops her head up from her phone.)
Kelly: Professor Plum, with the rope, in the kitchen?
Randy and Ted: NO!
Pat: (Shakes her head.) This is the way the system works. It promises you something and then when it comes time, you don't get jack!
Ted: This was not my doing! We have had a theft! Now you both sit down and I'm going to get to the bottom of this mess!
(Pat and Randy retreat. Kelly looks up.)
Kelly: What's going on?
Ted: We are just about to-
Kelly: Can I spin the wheel now?
Ted: Excuse me?
Kelly: The wheel. You know, the one that goes whoosh and spins and lights up?
(Ted stares at her once again in disbelief. Pat cuts in.)
Pat: I bet I know who stole it... that airhead of a girl right there!! (She points to Kelly. Randy calms her down and steps in.)
Randy: Look, it ain't right to go 'round here accusin' people. Maybe Ted can tell us?
Ted: Right. A few hours before the show started, I was wrapping it up at Chuckie Cheese's where I was doing a gig for some kid's birthday party...er... Then I came to the studio and I don't remember checking to see if the car was there...
Kelly: I know the answer!
Kelly: What is, The Notebook?
Ted: Jeopardy this time? The Notebook? What has that got to do with anything?
Randy: Aw geez, now she's got a screw loose... Who lets these darn near crazy people in here?
Pat: One fry short of a happy meal...
Ted: Shh! What about the notebook?
Kelly: I found a notebook backstage... It had a to-do list in it. Here it is! (She pulls out the notebook and clears her throat.) One: Pick up Mom's sheets from the dry-cleaners. Two: Get a haircut. Three: Dismantle the bomb in the Prius. Four: Pick out flowers for-
Ted: Wait a second, bomb? WHAT? Security!!
Randy: Now just hold on a sec. I didn't mean for it to get out of hand...
Ted: YOU caused this??
Randy: Caused? No. Prevented? Yes.
(He looks around and sees the bewildered stares of his peers.)
Randy: Alright, alright. Enough already! My cover's blown anyway... (He looks down and then back up. The country accent is gone and now he has a British accent and a more distiunguished look.)
Randy: My name is Bradley Randoff, British special ops.
Kelly: What happened to Randy??
Randy/Bradley: Randy was a cover I was using. I have been tracking a major criminal for a few months now and he devised a plot to blow everyone here into smitherines by hiding a bomb in the Prius. I had to act fast so I stole the car and ran it into a lake, where luckily, the explosion went off safely underwater. The world is safe once more.
Pat: So you're working for 'the man'. I knew there was something about you that I coldn't trust...
(Ted steps forward and cuts in, grabbing Bradley's hand and shaking it vigorously.)
Ted: What she means to say is, thanks for saving our lives.
Randy/Bradley: Oh, please, don't mention it. It's what I do.
Pat: Oh, I see what's going on here... Well I just want to tell you that I also have a confession to make. I'm Hannah Montana!! Yeah, that's right! I'm livin' a double life! Fame! Fortune! Stickin' it to the man! (She has a crazy look in her eyes as she cackles and staggers offstage.)
Randy/Bradley: Bloody cricket, she was a little crazier than I thought...
Kelly: Did I win?!?
Randy/Bradley: Yes, congratulations. You are the next American Idol, Bachelorette, and Biggest Loser!
Kelly: YAY!! (She jumps up.) Can I do my acceptance speech now?
Ted: Go for it.
Kelly: Well, it's so great to be here. First of all, I would like to thank my fans for this award. Without you, I would be nowhere. Secondly, I feel like I need to thank my good friend and savior, Will Ferell because I don't know how I would have lived through my last break up without watching his Ricky Bobby movie a hundred times. Thank you everyone and have a great night! (She waves to the audience as she exits. Ted and Bradley are left onstage. They turn to each other.)
Ted: Well, Randy.. Er, Bradley... thanks for being on the show. And saving the world... you know, the usual.
Randy/Bradley: Like I said, all in a day's work. (He looks at his watch.) Oh look, it's tea time. I should go!
Ted: Yeah, bye!
Randy/Bradley: Farewell! (He waves and exits.)
Ted: (Turns back to the audience.) Well... that was interesting... But that's why we call it Mash Up- where scholarly knowledge meets rediculously random! I'm your host, Ted Thompson, and good night!